Newsletter

Newsletter January 2025

In this issue we will cover what Betrayal Trauma is and how we can support you. Dr. Katie Truitt stated when we lose someone, “ …our brains hold us accountable for the unknowing…and life is chaotic.” Betrayal trauma is similar to losing someone. It is the death of life as it was known in the relationship. Betrayal trauma occurs when there is a breach in the agreed upon boundaries of the relationship. It can be a person or an inanimate object such as a screen. In an exclusive, committed relationship, getting emotional or physical needs outside the agreed upon parameters causes trauma to the other partner.

One partner has information that has been kept secret from the other partner. The other partner senses the disconnect but doesn’t know why. It is a feeling which is unnamed. Therefore, the partner who is not aware forfeits the power to choose to be in the relationship. There is a secret basement in the relationship which isn’t open to both partners. The unaware partner may experience moral injury like a veteran returning from war. It is not in line with their moral standards. The other partner may blame them for problems, the house, the kids, the job, etc. The other partner tries to correct the outside issues without thinking their partner could be projecting their guilt and blame onto them. This can deeply affect trust. They experience a loss of self confidence and self esteem. Often partners suffer with anxiety or depression like soldiers.

Partners often find out by accident about the indiscretions of the other partner.

The hidden information is revealed and they suffer untold pain and devastation by discovering they weren’t the only one their beloved was seeing. Their partner becomes guilt ridden and willing to do anything to stop their partner from the pain they see in their face.The betrayer has been shifting dynamics in the relationship for so long that it is often freeing for them to tell their partner about the other.

This is done through a process with a therapist called a disclosure. It is important that it is done delicately and thoroughly. The partners have to be stabilized, within their window of tolerance, and able to handle this information.It is not a confession to ask for forgiveness and not a dumping of their guilt onto the partner.

I have advanced training and certification in helping partners and couples heal through the Association of Partners of Sex Addicts and Trauma Specialists. We now offer individual and group sessions for partners of Betrayal Trauma. These specialized sessions are available in person and online to provide treatment. We achieve recovery using a three phase model with focus on: remember, mourn, revitalize to heal their relationships.

Newsletter August 2024

Dear Readers,

In this edition, we look into the Gottman Theory, a groundbreaking approach to couples therapy developed by Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman. This method is well-known for its research-based interventions aimed at fostering healthy, lasting relationships.

What is the Gottman Theory?

The Gottman Theory is built on the Sound Relationship House Theory, which uses the metaphor of a house to represent a secure and thriving relationship. This theory identifies seven key components, or "floors," that couples can work through to strengthen their bond:

Build Love Maps: Understanding each other's inner worlds.
Share Fondness and Admiration: Expressing appreciation and respect.
Turn Towards Instead of Away: Engaging positively during interactions.
The Positive Perspective: Maintaining a positive outlook on the relationship.
Manage Conflict: Navigating disagreements constructively.
Make Life Dreams Come True: Supporting each other's aspirations.
Create Shared Meaning: Building a sense of purpose and shared values.

Additionally, the theory emphasizes two "weight-bearing walls" essential for a strong relationship: Trust and Commitment.

Key Techniques and Benefits

The Gottman Method aims to:

Disarm conflicting verbal communication.
Increase intimacy, respect, and affection.
Remove barriers that create stagnancy.
Enhance empathy and understanding.

By focusing on these areas, couples can improve their interactions and build a more resilient relationship.

The Gottman Theory offers valuable insights and practical tools for couples seeking to strengthen their relationships. By understanding and applying these principles, couples can navigate challenges more effectively and build a lasting, loving partnership.

Stay tuned for more insights in our next edition!

Newsletter May 2022

The end of the school year brings moments of joy as well as a promise of rest and fun for the summer. Sometimes the summer is a season of family togetherness and sometimes it is a season of uncertainty. Frustrations and tempers flare as siblings spend too much time together, and parents don’t get to have 3 months off work. Here are some ideas to make summer smooth sailing. Set a weekly date night with your sweetie. Prioritize your couple relationship. Limit your time on social media and your kids. Social media promotes insecurities and body image issues in kids. Social media also highlights everyone’s successes, not their struggles. The more kids get outside and with other kids doing things the more their thinking brain is engaged. Creativity is increased when kids have to construct meaning and not just be entertained. Plan 1 fun event a week as a family if possible. It could be a baseball game, going to a community pool after work, or a trip to get ice cream as a family. If you really want to know what’s going on with your kids, take a road trip and don’t let them bring a computer or ipad or limit their phone use to pictures only. They will be a captive audience in the car and conversation will ensue eventually. Kids don’t need perfect parents, just present ones.

Newsletter June 2022

The kids aren’t ok, the teachers aren’t ok, and the parents are’nt ok

In light of recent world events, I would like to provide a balanced view of what kids need to know to feel safe. Kids are not mini adults. Please limit the content about the school shooting they are exposed to in the news or other social media. As a parent, former public school teacher for 28 years, and now a therapist, kids want to know what to expect. Structure and routine create boundaries and safety for kids. They need to know you will always be there for them, you love them, and that they can tell you anything. Kids individuate and co-regulate with their caretakers. If as adults we are not regulated we can make comments which do not enhance safety, trust, or respect for law enforcement, school teachers, or elected officials. Most kids love school and their friends and their teachers. They are asking themselves who is going to protect us if that happens here at my school? Kids under 10 do not have abstract reasoning formed in their brain. People are either good or bad in a kid's mind. There is no middle ground or extenuating circumstances which might explain the shooting. I want parents to reassure their kids that they can be safe and that you will protect them. The outpouring of support and love for the school shows us that good can be found in the midst of tragedy. People who have vulnerabilities or trauma history do not need more things to worry about. Please understand that what might seem a little worry to you could be a massive fear for your child. Everyone has a personality template and we are all different so listen when your child is telling you their fears about school or safety. If parents are confident in their abilities to provide safety for their children, their children will grow up with self-confidence.

Terri Burns, LMFT
Associate Supervised by Tiffany N. Smith, MS, LPC-S, LMFT-S, NCC

terri2burns@gmail.com

(972) 277-1217

October newsletter

Book review

Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
By : John Gottman and Nan Silver

In his book, the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John Gottman and Nan Silver dispel the myth that happy couples don’t fight or encounter conflict. In fact the opposite is true. Most demanding marriages are happy. Wives bring up the sticky or uncomfortable issues in marriage about 80% of the time. It is how they manage conflict that is different. John Gottman and his wife Julie Gottman, call them Masters of Marriage or Disasters of Marriage. I have tried both ways personally, and it works best if you solve problems that are solvable. If you find yourself in perpetual problems they may be unsolvable, which is about 69% of estimated problems. It could be personality differences that make so many issues unsolvable. But, what the Masters of Marriage do differently, is they begin with a softened start up and listen to their partner’s point of view. They do not influence their partner to accept their point of view, however, they listen to each other’s reasoning. They build a love map which begins in friendship. They look for ways to nurture fondness and admiration. These are ways that couples can support each other. If you are looking for help in your marriage, call us

Newsletter November 2022

Creative Couples and Counseling PLLC - Terri Burns, MA, LMFT Associate supervised by Tiffany N. Smith, MS, Ph.D.

Do you want to be healthy, wealthy, and happy? A marriage can help lay the groundwork. Healthy marriages have evidence that their children do well and are wealthier into their 50’s than those who do not. Securely attached individuals can help make a non securely attached individual part of a couple that is securely attached.

How does all this occur? It starts with attunement. What you are really asking is are you there for me? Do you have my back? Can I lean on you? Even if I mess up or fail, will you still be there for me?

The next phase is responsiveness. If your partner makes a comment do you respond or look at them. Sometimes just a nod or “ahh” is enough for their limbic system to register care and concern. If it is important to them, then it is important to you. They want to know their insights are shared immediately with who matters most to them. They want to feel that their needs will be met emotionally by your interest. The quicker the better. They want to know they matter.

The last phase is engagement. In this phase, your partner is asking you to do something for them or acknowledge their presence. Their requests are ways they interact with you to ensure their survival. They want attention and to have someone commenting or doing something with them.

These are ways to make sure we are laying the foundation for a healthy marriage. If your marriage needs help, call us.

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